A step-by-step guide to the funeral planning process

Planning a funeral
When a loved one passes away, it can be a difficult experience for surviving family and friends. During the grieving process, an array of important decisions must be made quickly if the deceased has not pre-planned arrangements. These decisions are referred to as at-need arrangements. A funeral home and cemetery must be selected, funeral arrangements have to be made, and the type of cemetery property and memorialization needs to be chosen. Many other activities, such as notifying family members, explaining upcoming events to the children, and picking up out-of-town guests at the airport, also demand attention.

During these stressful and hectic days it is important to elicit opinions and accept support from family and friends. We must realize that there are no right or wrong decisions and that even the best of us make mistakes during times such as these. Sometimes the process may seem overwhelming and emotionally draining. Here are some general guidelines about the types of decisions necessary that will assist you in bringing a dignified closure to the life of a loved one.

Selecting a Funeral Home and Cemetery
There are many different ways in which to choose a funeral home and cemetery. Referrals from family and friends are usually a good way to begin your search. The deceased may also have expressed a preference, or someone in the immediate family may have been to a particular funeral home. The funeral planning process should be as comfortable as possible, and an important consideration is the relationship that the family develops with the funeral director. When choosing a cemetery, it is important to consider the convenience of its location, so that it won't be a burden for family and friends to visit.

Funeral Arrangements
In typical at-need arrangements, there are many decisions to be made. Your funeral director can be an invaluable resource during this difficult time. Their role is to serve as a guide in the arrangement process, helping to explain all options. In essence, they provide the family with the information necessary to make thoughtful and informed decisions.

The family can rely on the funeral director to explain and clarify differences between the various models of caskets. He or she can also offer advice or suggestions about the display of flowers. The funeral director will help the family make decisions about the appearance of the deceased by assisting in the selection of clothing and accessories such as jewelry and glasses. The family can choose to have a private viewing of the deceased before there is any public viewing. During the private viewing, the funeral director ensures the family is satisfied with the appearance of the deceased and will make any changes that the family feels necessary.

After a person died there are always a number of papers that need to be completed. These include insurance and government forms, as well as various legal certificates and permits. Your funeral director will take care of placing the obituary in the newspaper, but you will need to provide him or her with the vital statistics and information that is necessary. Since the deceased may have been receiving benefits from a company pension or Social Security, it is necessary to notify the bank. It is also important to contact the financial advisor who handled the affairs of the deceased for advice, as well as the attorney to administer the will. Other authorities and businesses that had financial dealings with the deceased should also be notified since they may be affected by the death.

Select the day and time of the funeral carefully. It is critical that enough time is allowed for out-of-town guests to make travel arrangements and attend the service, even though some people may want to get through the service as quickly as possible. Family and friends should also have enough time to read the obituary and arrange for time off from work. Saying good-bye is an important part of accepting loss and is an integral part of the grieving process. If adequate time is not allowed for scheduling the funeral, family and friends who weren't able to attend may harbor resentment or sadness because they were unable to pay their final respects.

A family has several options for the location of the service. Appropriate sites include a church, a chapel in the funeral home, or in the cemetery at the grave side. If the service is held in the church or at a chapel that is not next to a cemetery, transportation must be arranged. Talk to your funeral director about scheduling the funeral coach, flower car, and limousines for family members and pallbearers.

It is often beneficial for family to arrange visitation hours at the funeral home or the church so that relatives and friends can express their condolences. Personal, religious, and fraternal items which were meaningful to the deceased may be displayed in the visitation room or chapel. When selecting music, take into account the musical preferences of the deceased in order to personalize the service. The family must also determine whether to request donations to charity in lieu of flowers and whether to have an open casket. Other details to consider are selecting pallbearers and clergy to officiate, and providing information for a eulogy.

Cemetery Arrangements
In addition to making decisions about the funeral, the family has to consider burial arrangements. The burial plot, memorial marker, and the vault which holds the casket must be selected. Before the deceased is laid to rest, the opening and closing of the grave is arranged. Finally, after being inscribed according to the wishes of the family, the marker is set.

If cremation is desired, numerous choices exist for permanent memorialization. Final resting sites can be located within a cremation garden, designed to highlight the beauty of nature and provide a comforting setting where one can always visit. You may also talk with your funeral director about other options that you may prefer.

Miscellaneous Arrangements
A funeral usually brings guests from out of town and calls from concerned friends. It is necessary to make time to prepare food at home and lodge out-of-town relatives. Phone calls need to be answered and a thank-you card list should be compiled as well.

Conclusion
A funeral is the first step that we take in our grieving process and is our way of honoring the life of a loved one. A well planned and thoughtful funeral hops those left behind to come to terms with their loss and to begin to heal. Your funeral director is there to help you through this stressful period, and will be there to answer any questions that you may have. By knowing what to expect, you can make planning a funeral a little less burdensome, and most importantly, you can get the services that you and your family want.

Does your newly bereaved friend need help?
Yes.
Who should provide the help?
Friends and loved ones.
That's right. We live in an age where professionals do almost everything one could imagine for us. Professionals can be very helpful with grief, but a great deal of assistance can be given by friends and family members. Attending the funeral or visitation is an excellent way to begin.

What can I expect my grieving friend to be feeling?
Grief is an important emotional process. Your friend will be experiencing many new and unsettling feelings and behaviors over the next several weeks and months. It is natural, after the death of a loved one to feel anger, shock, guilt, regret, depression, sorrow and sometimes relief. The bereaved also may experience sleeping and eating difficulties, restlessness and isolation from friends. This is normal. These feelings may be intense for several weeks, then lessen over a period of a year or two.

What can I do to help?
Your support is especially important in the early weeks after the death. The bereaved are often down or depressed. Often they need you to be assertive in offering your help.

Visit and call often - Many people complain that after the funeral they are left alone. This is a time when the real impact of the loss becomes apparent. You can help by calling or visiting often. Tell your friend of your willingness to listen or to help.

Listen - The best support you can give to a grieving friend is to listen. Ask them how they feel, allow them to answer you, don't change the subject. Letting your friend express feelings, especially feelings of anger and guilt will help them move forward. Don't feel the bereaved need magic formulas or words. Just listening lets them know that you care.

Help with chores and practical matters - Driving someone to the store, babysitting and housecleaning can be especially helpful.

Invite your friend to functions - After some of the shock has worn off, your friend may wish to become active again. This may be a slow process. Old friends and groups may not bring as much satisfaction as before. Invite your friend along to functions but understand they may not be comfortable. They may need help to find ways to make new friends.

One caution: Done make the mistake of rushing your friend to find a new partner or have another child to substitute for the lost person. The grieving will make their own decision in their own time.

Suggest professional help when needed - Some people do not seem to move ahead after a long period. Several months after the death you will notice they are continually depressed. They may indicate suicidal thinking, drink excessively or otherwise not care of themselves, their families or their jobs. Suggest to them that they may be having an especially difficult time and they can be helped greatly if they seek professional counseling. Qualified help is available in most communities and it is not a stigma to seek such help. One way to help you friend be comfortable in seeking this assistance is to accompany your friend for the first visit to the chosen counselor.

One last note - grief is a normal process lasting a year or more. Your friend's life has been severely disrupted. It usually takes time to put life back in order. Your patient support will help when your friend seems overwhelmed.

This is no way that your funeral director on anyone else can take away all of the heartache and pain that comes with the death of a loved one. But there is something that you can do to help alleviate some of the confusion that is associated with this time in our lives. By pre-planning all of the aspects of a funeral, you can bring some certainty into this perplexing time though a process called pre-arrangement.

What is pre-arrangement?
Talking about death is often difficult. Yet a death in the family may create problems for survivors which can sometime be alleviated by discussion and pre-planning. Funeral and burial arrangements are an important consideration and should be discussed openly and frankly. Pre-arranging and sometimes pre-financing a funeral is a method some people choose to assist their survivors after death occurs.

Pre-arrangement is the process by which a family makes all of the decisions about the funeral ahead of time. In this way, a family can think more clearly and without all of the emotional factors that follow the death of a loved one. You select the type of service you wish to have, as well as the casket, headstone, and burial vault. The funeral director will also record all of the details that will be needed at the time of death. These include social security numbers, parents' names, names of survivors, and so on. Other details such as a favorite hymn or verse can also be recorded that can be used in the service and are not forgotten in the hustle and bustle that surrounds a death.

Pre-arrangement coupled with pre-financing is also usually much less expensive than at-need arrangement, for a variety of reasons. Pre-arrangement allows a family to select exactly the type of service that they want at a time when they can think clearly and without unnecessary time pressures. In this way a family will not feel pressured to select a funeral that is out of their price range. This type of plan also allows a family to spread out the payments over time, avoiding the large one-time payment that can be devastating to your loved ones. Finally, when you pre-arrange, and depending on the type of financing or payment method you choose, you may have the opportunity to freeze prices, safeguarding your family from price increases that are sure to come in the future.

Why pre-arrange?
Pre-arrangement provides you with peace of mind and can help to ease the emotional burden from your family at one of the most stressful times in their life. You are able to ask questions to your funeral counselor and fully comprehend the many options and services available. You also have an opportunity to discuss options with your family and consult those persons that will be most affected by the death. If you also choose pre-payment, you are also protected against any price increase. You will feel good knowing that the financial burden will not fall upon your family.

There are many other different reasons for pre-arranging a funeral, as well. Actually, there are almost as many explanations for pre-arranging funerals as there are people requesting them. Some persons, especially those who are alone in the world, may want the assurance of a funeral and burial which meet their personal beliefs, standards or life-style. Others feel a responsibility to assist survivors by arranging approximate funeral and burial cost guidelines. Still others have moved to distant places, or maintain both summer and winter residences. They many to make sure that certain recommendations are heeded as to where the funeral and burial or other final disposition will take place.

• Personal Choice - You chose the type and cost of service you want, right down to the smallest detail. You are assured that your funeral will be consistent with your lifestyle and individual standards. You and your family can bring death out into the open by sharing in planning.
• Peace of Mind - By making these decisions in advance, you can bring peace of mind to yourself and your loved ones. You will know that the arrangements you want are complete and the cost won't burden your family. Your funeral director will be available to answer any questions and to give you expert counseling in this area.

Aside from these specific reasons for discussing funeral arrangements in advance of need, there is an additional benefit. The subject of death is brought out in the open and the family is given an opportunity to share their thoughts about this upcoming eventuality. Mental health is never sustained by the denial of death, but by the frank acknowledgement of this reality of life. Entering into a pre-arrangement agreement with a funeral director also provides an opportunity to indicate one's wishes in writing. It ought to be preceded by a review and evaluation of current funeral costs, funeral ceremonies and alternate funeral and burial procedures. Thus counseling with a funeral director could well be a significant educational experience.

How do we begin?
All funeral homes have access to a pre-arrangement form. Some have plans designed for their own use. Together, you and the funeral director can discuss all necessary details. Once the pre-arrangement is completed, the client should notify some responsible person or persons that such an agreement exists and where it may be found. If desired, the funeral director will supply additional copies for informational purposes.

Before prescribing a definite kind of funeral or type of final disposition, it is always wise to consider and consult those survivors who will be most affected by the death. Grant them the opportunity to be active planning participants, not just passive spectators. This is prudent because when death comes it may have strong emotional impact upon the other members of the family. Permitting them to assist in making funeral and burial arrangements could serve as a healthy outlet for their grief and anxiety. Giving them the privilege of performing a last act of recognition, honor, and respect for the deceased will dramatize eloquently to all the reality that a life has been lived.

Always be sure that you know that you are getting what you want and that your deal with only a reputable firm. Careful counseling with an experienced funeral director can avoid unwise planning or even fraudulent schemes. The funeral director is there to help you and will always try to give you the type of funeral that you want.

Is there anything I can do to help?

Yes, there is much that you can do to help. Simple things. This guide suggests the kinds of attitudes, words, and acts, which are truly helpful.

The importance of such help can hardly be overstated. Bereavement can be a life threatening condition, and your support may make a vital difference in the mourner's eventual recovery.

Perhaps you do not feel qualified to help. You may feel uncomfortable and awkward. Such feelings are normal - don't let them keep you away. If you really care for your sorrowing friend or relative, if you can enter a little into his or her grief, you are qualified to help.

In fact, the simple communication of the feeling of caring is probably the most important and helpful thing anyone can do. The guidelines which follow show how to communicate your care.

1. Get in touch. Telephone. Speak either to the mourner or to someone close and ask when you can visit and how you might help. Even if much time has passed, it's never too late to express your concern.
2. Say little on an early visit. In the initial period (before burial), your brief embrace, your press of the hand, your few words of affection and feeling may be all that is needed.
3. Avoid cliches and easy answers. "He had a good life," "He is out of pain," and "Aren't you lucky that...," are not likely to help. A simple "I'm sorry" is better. Likewise, spiritual sayings can even provoke anger unless the mourner shares the faith that is implied. In general, do not attempt to minimize the loss.
4. Be yourself. Show your own natural concern and sorrow in your own way and in your own words.
5. Keep in touch. Be available. Be there. If you are a close friend or relative, y our presence might be needed from the beginning. Later, when close family may be less available, anyone's visit and phone call can be very helpful.
6. Attend to practical matters. Discover if you might be needed to answer the phone, usher in callers, prepare meals, clean the house, care for the children, etc. This kind of help lifts burdens and creates a bond. It might be needed well beyond the initial period, especially for the widowed.
7. Encourage others to visit or help. Usually one visit will overcome a friends' discomfort and allow him or her to contribute further support. You might even be able to schedule some visitors, so that everyone does not come at once in the beginning or fails to come at all later on.
8. Accept silence. If the mourner doesn't feel like talking, don't force conversation. Silence is better than aimless chatter. The mourner should be allowed to lead.
9. Be a good listener. When suffering spills over into words, you can do the one thing the bereaved needs above all else at that time - you can listen. Is he emotional? Accept that. Does he cry? Accept that too. Is he angry at God? God will manage without your defending him. Accept whatever feelings are expressed. Do not rebuke. Do not change the subject. Be as understanding as you can be.
10. Do not attempt to tell the bereaved how he feels. You can ask (without probing), but you cannot know, except as he tells you. Everyone, bereaved or not, resents an attempt to describe his feelings. To say, for example, "You must feel relieved now that he is out of pain," is presumptuous. Even to say, "I know just how you feel," is questionable. Learn from the mourner; do not instruct him.
11. Do not probe for details about the death. If the survivor offers information, listen with understanding.
12. Comfort children in the family. Do not assume that a seemingly calm child is not sorrowing. If you can, be a friend to whom feelings can be confided and with whom tears can be shed. In most cases, incidentally, children should be left in the home and not shielded from the grieving of others.
13. Avoid talking to others about trivia in the presence of the recently bereaved. Prolonged discussion of sports, weather, or stock market, for example, is resented, even if done purposely to distract the mourner.
14. Allow the "working through" of grief. Do not whisk away clothing or hide pictures. Do not criticize seemingly morbid behavior. Young people may repeatedly visit the site of the fatal accident. A widow may sleep with her husband's pajamas as a pillow. A young child may wear his dead sibling's clothing.
15. Write a letter. A sympathy card is a poor substitute for your own expression. If you take time to write of your love for memories of the one who died, your letter might be read many times and cherished, possibly into the next generation.
16. Encourage the postponement of major decisions until after the period of intense grief. Whatever can wait should wait.
17. In time, gently draw the mourner into quiet, outside activity. He may not have the initiative to go out on his own.
18. When the mourner returns to social activity, treat him as a normal person. Avoid pity - it destroys self respect. Simple understanding is enough. Acknowledge the loss, the change in his life, but don't dwell on it.
19. Be aware of needed progress through grief. If the mourner seems unable to resolve anger or guilt, for example, you might suggest a consultation with a clergyman or other trained counselor.

A final thought: helping must be more than following a few rules. Especially if the bereavement is devastating and you are close to the bereaved, you may have to give more time, more care, more of yourself than you imagined. And you will have to perceive the special needs of your friend and creatively attempt to meet those needs. Such commitment and effort may even save a life. At the least, you will know the satisfaction of being truly and deeply helpful.

Amy Hillyard Jensen

One of the most difficult challenges that we face after the death of a loved one is discussing it with the children in the family. This can be especially difficult when the adults close to the child are also trying to come to terms with their own grief. As adults, we don't realize how much confusion children feel after the death of a loved one, and we often don't know what to say or how to answer their questions. Parents often put a great deal of pressure on themselves when the time comes to discuss death with their children. Many parents feel that if they say and do the "right" things, or answer their children's questions in the "right" way, then their children will not suffer. But from our own experiences we know that there are no magic words that anyone can say to make our grief disappear.

The aim of this booklet is to provide parents and other concerned adults with the information needed in order to talk to children effectively about death. We can use this information to nurture our children as they wade through their grief and to help them learn and grow from the experience.

What do children understand about death?
The first question that we must address is one of understanding. What do children understand and perceive about death at difference ages? In his 1991 book, Young People and Death, J.D. Morgan gives us the following insights about children's perceptions about death at different ages.

1-3 Years: The child has very little or no understanding of the idea of death.

4 Years: Very limited concept of death. The child uses the word with some vague notion of its meaning. No particular emotion is related, though the child may verbalize a rudimentary notion that death is connected with sorrow and sadness.

5 Years: Concept of death becomes more detailed, accurate and factual. Children may still think death is reversible. They may develop actions or reactions to things that are associated with death. For example, the child avoids dead things or may enjoy killing bugs.

6 Years: New awareness of death is developing. Children begin to form an emotional response to the idea of death. They may fear that their mother will leave them, or form an idea that death is the result of aggression or killing. Some preoccupation with graves, funerals and burial may develop. Children this age do not believe that they will or can die.

7 Years: The perception of death is similar to six-year olds but it is more detailed and realistic and they have a better understanding of the situation. Children have an interest in the causes of death, old age, violence and disease. The child expresses an interest in visiting cemeteries. There may be comments such as "I wish I was dead!" The child gets the notion that he or she may die, but will usually deny this when confronted.

8 Years: This child progresses from an interest in graves and funerals to an interest in what happens after death. The child feels that he or she has a better understanding of the concept of death. Still retains some "magical" thinking regarding death.

9 Years: References now made to logical or biological reasons for death. For example, "Not living is when you have no pulse and no temperature and can't breathe." Children now look straight at death, not just at the peripherals such as coffins and graves. They accept quite realistically the fact that when they become old, they will die.

How can I help a child get through their grief?
Now that we have some understanding about the ways in which children of different ages understand death, we can examine ways to help our children through this difficult time.

Give the child as many facts as possible concerning death, repeating them as often as the child wishes. If a parent finds it difficult to talk about, ask another adult that the child trusts to answer these questions. Children don't like being told that everything is okay when they know that it is not. They want the "real" facts. By answering all of the child's questions truthfully, we take some of the mystery out of this scary and confusing time in a child's life.

As adults, it is often helpful if we can put a name to our emotions, in order that the child may understand his/her own feelings. This should be done in a simple and straightforward way. "I am crying because I feel sad," or, "I feel sad because your grandmother died" are very good examples of how we can help children understand their own grief.

Children often become very concerned and worried about their parents when they see them upset or emotional. It is important that we reassure our children that we will be okay even though we feel sad right now. Give children a reason for your sadness, such as how much you miss your newly departed loved one. Once again, do not try to tell children that everything is fine. They will not believe you and it could add to their confusion. It is much better to tell them that things will be much better after everyone has time to be sad for a while.

One of the best ways to communicate with children is to sit with them and watch them play. Children will often exhibit feelings that they wouldn't otherwise talk about, while they are playing. It is easier for a child to "talk" when he or she is pretending to be someone else. It is often during play that children's misconceptions about what has happened and their unanswered questions start to emerge. This can be a wonderful opportunity for us to recognize a child's worries and fears and to explain to them what is really happening. By telling them the truth about an illness or death, we de-mystify the situation and make their lives a little less confusing.

Finally, expect that as children grow they may want to discuss again what has happened as they try to put their past loss into perspective. This revisiting may be triggered by a family event, a milestone in their own life, or another death of someone who is close. Death is a profound mystery for us all, and it is only natural the children will continue to struggle with its meaning and its relevance to their own lives.

What will children want to know about death?
Why did he/she die?
Be straightforward with the child. Tell them the cause of death and don't dance around the subject or try to sugar-coat it. Never tell a child that someone died because they were old. The child may become afraid that other people that they think of as "old" will also soon die.

Where did he/she go?
It is important that you explain to the child what their family believes about what happens after death. This can be a good time to talk about religious or spiritual beliefs. It is often helpful to explain what will happen to the body after the funeral. Make sure the child understands their loved one is no longer alive in the body and that they can no longer feel any pain. You should not use metaphors to describe the death, such as the deceased is "sleeping forever".  This will only give the child anxiety by making the afraid to sleep, and will also raise questions about the finality of death.

Will I die?
It is natural for children to wonder about and be afraid of their own mortality following the death of someone close. It is often helpful to explain that yes, everyone dies, but most people live to be 70 years old or older.

Above all, it is important to be forthright and honest with our children when answering questions about death. Stories and fairy tales may make us feel like we are comforting the child, but they only serve to cause fear and confusion in the long run. The truth will never scare a child as much as his/her own imagination will. Always remember that people learn how to deal with death when they are young. If children are not allowed to come to terms with their loss, it will be difficult for them to grieve in a healthy manner when they become adults.

1. Make an appointment with the funeral home. The funeral home will help coordinate arrangements with the cemetery
2. Contact your clergy. Decide on time and place of funeral or memorial service. This can be done at the funeral home.
3. The funeral home will assist you in determining the number of copies of the death certificates you will be needing and con order them for you.
4. Some information needed to complete most states vital statistic requirements:
1. Birth date and birth place
2. Father's and mother's names
3. Social Security number
4. Veteran's discharge or claim number
5. Education
6. Marital status
5. Make a list of immediate family, close friends and employer or business colleagues. Notify each by phone.
6. Decide on appropriate memorial to which gifts may be made (church, hospice, library, charity, or school).
7. Gather obituary information, including age, place of birth, cause of death, occupation, college degrees, memberships help, military service, outstanding work, list of survivors in immediate family, give time and place of services. The funeral home will normally write article and submit to newspapers.
8. Arrange for members of family or close friends to take turns answering door or phone, keeping careful records of calls.
9. If Social Security checks are automatic deposit, notify the bank of the death.
10. Coordinate the supplying of food for the next several days.
11. Consider special need of the household, such as cleaning, etc., which might be done by friends.
12. Arrange for child care, if necessary.
13. Arrange hospitality for visiting relatives and friends.
14. Select pallbearers and notify the funeral home. (Avoid anyone with a heart or back difficulties, or make them honorary pallbearers).
15. Plan for disposition of flowers after funeral (church, hospital, or rest home).
16. Prepare list of distant persons to be notified by letter or printed notice, and decide which to send to each.
17. Prepare list of persons to receive acknowledgement of flowers, calls, etc. Send appropriate acknowledgements (can be written note, printed card, or some of each). Include "thank you's" to those who have given their time as well.
18. Notify insurance companies.
19. Locate the will and notify lawyer and executor.
20. Check carefully all life and casualty insurance and death benefits, including Social Security, credit union, trade union, fraternal, and military. Check also on income for survivors from these sources.
21. Check promptly on all debts and installment payments, including credit cards. Some may carry insurance clauses that will cancel them. If there is to be a delay in meeting payments, consult with creditors and ask for more time before payments are due.
22. If deceased was living alone, notify utilities and landlord and tell post office where to send mail.
23. Funeral director will prepare Social Security Form SSA 721. Check with Social Security to see that number is retired.

Information for your funeral

Why filling out this information booklet is important
No matter how old you are or where you live, sometime you will need the services of a funeral home. When that time comes, it is our hope that you will have filled out a pre-need form or even pre-arranged your funeral.

This simple, thoughtful action can save the people you love untold extra grief. Knowing in advance what you wanted will spare your loved ones having to make difficult choices at the worst time of their lives. Completing the information in this booklet, and giving a copy to your family or your funeral director, will be a considerate step that your loved ones will appreciate. (It is not advised to keep the only copy of this information in your safe deposit box).

By going one step further and pre-arranging your funeral, you can save your family from possible unexpected financial hardship. There are many options available for funding your pre-need account.

In the remaining pages of this booklet we have listed the basic information required to fill out a pre-need agreement. Some of your choices will need to be made at the funeral home; for example, issues regarding caskets, vaults or urns. If you have any questions, your funeral director will be pleased to advise you.

1. Full name:
2. Maiden name:
3. Date and place of birth:
4. Names of parents (addresses and phone numbers if living):
5. Social Security number:
6. Name and address of spouse:
7. Date and place of marriage:
8. Names and addresses of previous spouses:
9. Names, addresses, and phone numbers of children:
10. Names, addresses and phone numbers of brothers and sisters:
11. Names, addresses and phone numbers of other friends and relatives who should be notified:
12. Names, addresses and phone numbers of present and former employers:
13. If you are a veteran,
• Date and place of enlistment:
• Date and place of discharge:
• Rank and service number:
• Branch and organization or outfit:
• Commendations received:
• Location of discharge papers:
• Flag desired to drape casket:
14. Religious affiliation and/or membership:
15. Professional, fraternal, and union memberships:
16. Education (list schools attended and dates of degrees received):
17. Names of newspapers for obituary:
18. Organ donation (list anyone who should be notified):
19. Funeral home or director you prefer:
20. Clergyperson or anyone else you would like to officiate:
21. Clothing and jewelry you would like to wear. If jewelry is not to be buried with you, who should it be given to?
22. Visitation instructions:
23. Music, hymns or readings you would prefer at your service:
24. Where you would prefer donations to be made in your memory:
25. Names, addresses and phone numbers of casket bearers (including honorary bearers, if any):
26. Name and address of cemetery property (include lot and grave number):
27. Casket and/or vault preference:
28. If you wish to be cremated, include disposition preference:
29. Location of will:
30. Name, address and phone number of executor:
31. Location of safe deposit box and key:
32. Attorney's name, address and phone number:
33. Location of checking accounts, checkbooks, savings accounts and passbooks (including account numbers):
34. Location of insurance policies (include insurance company names and policy numbers, as well as agents' names, addresses and phone numbers):
35. Credit cards and charge accounts to be cancelled:
36. Any additional instructions:

Signed:
Date:
(It is not advised to keep the only copy of this information in your safe deposit box.)

And ten more commonly asked questions about cremation

Cremation is becoming more common in this country and is widely used abroad where land for cemeteries is scarce or expensive. Cremation is gaining widespread popularity for several reasons. It provides an alternative for those who are uncomfortable with the idea of gradual decomposition. The process gives more control to the family, is environmentally sound, allows for many different types of ceremonies, and provides a way for the deceased to be laid to rest with simplicity and dignity.

If you are including cremation in your own funeral plans, you should inform your family members of your intentions, and make suitable prearrangements with your funeral director.

If you are responsible for planning a funeral for a loved one and are considering cremation, be sure to include other family members in making a decision if cremation would be a change in your family's traditions. Your funeral director can help you decide what kind of service you want, and how you want to memorialize your loved one.

Ideally, the family should get together ahead of time to decide what is most suitable. Arrangements for memorialization and disposition of the cremains also should be made at this time. This way, one of life's most difficult decisions need not be made alone at a time of grief and confusion.

These commonly asked questions may help you and your family make the decision if cremation is right for yourself of your loved one.

What is cremation?
It is probably easier to describe what cremation isn't. Contrary to what most people think, cremation is not the burning of bodies. While in certain countries, like India, bodies are burned as part of religious rites, cremation as generally practiced in this country is not burning. It consists of putting the body into a huge brick-lined kiln where intense heat reduces the body to ashes.

Is the deceased clothed and is a casket needed?
The deceased may be clothed as desired by the family. A military uniform, scholastic robe, or other special garment may be cremated.

A casket is not usually required for cremation. What is usually required by most states is an alternative container constructed of wood or cardboard, which is cremated with the body. Your funeral director can advise you about the rules in your state.

How can I be sure I receive the correct remains?
All reputable cremation providers have developed rigorous policies and procedures to minimize the potential for human error. In most cremations, each body is identified with a metal tag. This tag follows through the cremation process to guarantee that the cremated remains (cremains) will be the ones of your loved one. If you have questions, ask the cremation providers what procedures they use.

Are all the cremains returned?
All of the cremains are returned with the exception of minute particles, which are impossible to remove from the cremation chamber and processing machine.

What happens after the cremation is complete?
All bone fragments, which are very brittle, as well as non-consumed metal items are “swept” into a stainless steel cooling pan. All non-consumed items, like metal from clothing, hip joints, and bridge work, are separated from the cremains. This separation is accomplished through visual inspection as well as using a strong magnet for smaller and metallic objects. Items such as dental gold and silver are non-recoverable and are commingled with the cremains. Remaining bone fragments are then processed in a machine to a consistent size and placed into a temporary or permanent urn, selected by the family.

Is cremation accepted by all religions?
Religious and spiritual issues may be a concern for some people. Cremation is accepted among many, but not all, religions. Reform Judaism accepts cremation, but Orthodox and Conservative Judaism are opposed. A few fundamentalist Christian faiths are opposed to cremations as well. The Roman Catholic Church accepts cremation as long as it is not chosen for reasons which are contrary to Christian teachings. If you are uncertain whether cremation is compatible with your religious faith, a discussion with a member of the clergy or other religious authority is recommended. Different cultures and religions have differing practices and restrictions regarding ceremonies and the disposition of cremains. Your cremations provider is careful to honor these practices.

What can be done with the cremains?
There are many options and laws vary from state to state. Remains can be buried in a cemetery lot or cremation garden, placed in a mausoleum or columbarium, kept at home, or scattered. If the cemetery is far from the place of death, the cremation provider can send the remains by registered mail. Family members can also bury cremains on their own property, depending on local ordinances and state statutes. Scattering of cremains is an increasingly popular choice. The scattering can be done by the cremation provider, by the family or by clergy, either privately or as part of a ceremony.

Families should remember that scattering or burial of the cremains on private property may result in the loss of access to the site in the future, if the property is sold. State and local laws may restrict where the cremains by be scattered on public property. Your funeral director is in the best position to advise you.

What do the cremains look like and how long does it take?
Cremains resemble coarse sand and are medium gray in color. The ashes of an average sized person would be equal to a five pound bag of flour. The amount of time the cremation takes depends on the weight of the individual. For an average size adult, cremation take from two to three hours at normal operating temperature between 1,500 F to 2,000 F.

What type of ceremony can there be if the body has been cremated?
Cremation offers a wide array of ceremonies to choose from. A private or public visitation can be held before cremation is done. A memorial service can be held in a place of worship or at the cremation provider's facility, with or without the cremated remains. This can be delayed as long as necessary after the death to allow family and friends to gather from distant locations. Some churches and retirement communities routinely handle these memorial services themselves, without the involvement of the cremation provider. Other possibilities include graveside services at the cemetery or columbarium. A scattering ceremony offers a personal touch only cremation can provide.

Do people choose cremation only to save money?
The cost of a cremation depends on the type of permanent memorial, location of the memorial, type of urn and placement selected. While some people select cremation for economy, many choose this option for other reasons. The simplicity and dignity of cremation, environmental concerns, and the flexibility cremation affords in ceremony planning and final disposition all add to its increasing popularity.

Do I need an urn?
The cremains will be in a small cardboard box similar in size to a shoe box. You may wish to purchase on urn from the funeral home to place them in, but it is not required by law. Most families select an urn that is suitable for placement on a mantle or shelf. Urns are available in a variety of shapes, sizes and materials. The remains may also be shared among several family members in urns or custom-made jewelry.

You may choose to have the cremains interred at a cemetery in a special area for urn burials or in a columbarium. A columbarium, often located within a mausoleum or chapel, sometimes free-standing, either indoor or outdoor, is constructed with small compartments (niches) designed to hold urns containing cremains.